And when you think you’ve already had your worst, you discover that he, in fact, read your message but just opted not to reply.
In this article, we are going to find out why such situations happen and how you should act.
Why Doesn’t My Ex Reply To My Text?
Let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start! Sorry, I couldn’t help the lyrical reference.
So, why actually did he ignore your message?
Just like solving a problem, you must first uncover the cause so that you can understand why it happened and therefore able to address it effectively the second time.
In your case, once you figure out the reason for his behavior, then you can determine the best way to approach next time so that you do not cause him to ignore you, and hopefully, get him to finally respond.
- It’s not the right time.
- There’s too much emotion involved at the moment.
- Your message stinks.
Let’s go by number.
No. 1: Why Doesn’t My Ex Reply To My Text? It’s not the right time.
It so happened that when we sent the message, he was with his close relatives and family.
So, when we sent the message, he naturally did not respond.
This applies also when your ex-boyfriend is busy in the office (especially if he is a workaholic) or when he is engaged in some activity that does not dispose him to respond to any text messages at all.
Most of the time, this may be a matter of speculation because you do not exactly know where your ex-boyfriend is unless you’ve already been very familiar with his routine that you can predict where he’ll likely be during certain times of the day, week, month , or year.
In this case, you can probably tell that your ex is unoccupied after he gets home from work, which may be from 8:30 pm until 11:00 pm. This is your best bet to send a message and expect a reply from him.
Even then, he must, at that time, be near his mobile phone, or that, he actually isn’t engaged so that he can actually find it suitable to respond to you.
Also, even when it could be the perfect chronological moment, there still is the probability that it could not be the perfect emotional moment for him. This brings us to the number 2 reason.
No. 2: There’s too much emotion involved at the moment.
After being in coaching practice for several years now, I realized that the five stages of grief and loss (1. Denial and Isolation, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. Acceptance), while generally experienced by us, do not necessarily occur in the same order, same length of time, or in a lateral manner, for all people.
There are those who experience one of the stages, such as depression, longer than others would, and at times, jumps from one stage to the other and then back again.
So, there’s no one-size-fits-all in this emotional journey.
Another thing, I also realized that if a person has gone through a messy divorce or relationship breakdown, there’s just a lot of emotional upheaval involved.
Most of the time, he does not feel like dealing with all the emotions all over again.
In this case, you can relate it to bad timing as well. However, this one’s more profound and goes beyond the chronological aspect of time.
So, even if your ex-boyfriend did get your message at the right chronological time, he still may not respond to it because he dreads the prospect of dealing with the ugly emotions all over again, and that he is not prepared at the time.
Many clients would sometimes approach me and reason that it wasn’t them who broke up with their boyfriends, and so, how is he justified with this reaction?
Well, the fact is, males tend to project themselves as the aggrieved and so our justification is, “you forced me to split up with you.”
Okay, I know this is irrational, but the fact of the matter is, human emotions are oftentimes complicated, and well, irrational.
No. 3: Why Doesn’t My Ex Reply To My Text? Your message stinks.
In our personal relationships, we tend to slacken after we become familiar with the other person, having developed predictable daily rhythms as a couple.
These rhythms also apply to the way we interact with each other.
When you are in a relationship, it is perfectly okay to begin our interaction with a, “hi, what have you been doing?” but it’s not okay to begin your conversation this way when you’ve already broken up.
If you send your ex a message that is not well thought of or devoid of interest, don’t expect that your contact is sufficient enough to warrant a reply from him, because it’s most likely going to be ignored.
Your message will not only be viewed as hollow or pointless, and therefore, does not merit a response, but also downright insensitive, flippant, or insulting.
This is especially expected after you shoot him a plain, “hi,” following a messy split-up as though you’re oblivious to what have just happened between the two of you.
Many of my clients lose heart or become agitated when this happens, thinking that their ex has completely shut them out.
It’s not as simple as that.
What should you do to get him to respond?
There are four approaches to your problem, however best they fit into your unique situation.
- Give him enough time.
- Create your own cliffhanger.
- Tap the knight-in-shining-armor archetype.
- Your aim should be to have an enjoyable and fulfilling conversation.
Strategy 1: Give him enough time.
This first strategy obviously addresses the second reason why he’s not responding. That is, there is too much emotional upheaval involved with the prospect of renewing ties.
What is the most reasonable thing to do? Give him the time he needs.
Go full-on to a contactless mode.
Don’t communicate and don’t reply to any emotional outbursts. That is, for the time being.
This is not only therapeutic for him but also for you.
Sometimes, people consider this approach as a tactical maneuver to make their ex long for them in their absence.
I believe it goes beyond that and is actually beneficial to a relationship renewal later on.
So, what do you do during this time?
Use this time for introspection and reenergizing yourself.
When you tune into yourself and not into your failed relationship or your ex-boyfriend, you regenerate into a wiser, mindful, and renewed person such that when you eventually decide to reconnect with your ex-boyfriend, you approach him with a more interesting and fresh persona.
Strategy 2: Why Doesn’t My Ex Reply To My Text? Create your own cliffhanger.
When you incorporate an element of intrigue or fascination into your message, you are creating a cliffhanger just like what Hollywood movies do when they plan on a sequel.
In psychology, there is such a thing as Zeigarnik effect. It is a phenomenon where a person remembers interrupted situations or incomplete tasks more than completed ones.
It does not have to be about an unfinished situation but more about making them curious enough to make them want to respond.
I know this is easier said than done and many of my clients are clueless as to how to apply this strategy.
Well, this is where I turn you over to the next strategy.
Strategy 3: Tap the knight-in-shining-armor archetype.
This is not actually my original idea.
It was a suggestion from many of the women in our support group who said they used this strategy and it worked with their ex-boyfriends.
So, what does this strategy actually mean?
If there is a knight in shining armor, there is a damsel in distress. This means that to get your ex-boyfriend to respond to your message, be that damsel and seek him to save you from a predicament or just to help you out of a sticky situation.
Of course, because this is a tactical move, this is a bit tricky to apply.
To help you, I’m going to give you some examples of the typical messaging that tap on this archetypal dynamic.
Message 1: “I need your engineering expertise.” (Given that he’s an engineer.)
Message 3: “I am in a serious predicament and I only trust you to help me out.”
In the first message, you can replace the type of expertise that is applicable to your ex.
In the second one, you are presenting yourself as someone in need of saving but the message does not come across as desperate. In fact, it is very considerate and subtle.
If your man is a real hero, he’ll take the bait and reply.
The third message is also acceptable, given that you’ve had a long relationship and it’s only expected that you both have nurtured a certain amount of trust in each other.
This also does not come across as manipulative and may even play on his sense of compassion. Of course, this may not work if your split-up was primarily caused by a trust issue. So then, you may have to reword it or consider the other two examples.
One important thing, though, that you need to remember about this strategy is that you must have a REAL problem or at least a situation that requires help, otherwise, getting him to reply and then admitting later on that it was just a white lie isn’t really the best way to renew ties with him.
Also, if you keep on with the lying, pretty soon you’ll get caught and then you’ll be back to where you’ve started or even worse.
The best way to succeed with this strategy then is to take advantage of any real problematic situation and then maybe amplify it a bit to make him want to save you.
Try it. It really works!
Strategy 4: Your aim should be to have an enjoyable and fulfilling conversation.
You must not forget that the ultimate reason for messaging your ex-boyfriend was to eventually have an enjoyable and gratifying conversation with him so that he will want to continue talking with you.
You must also realize that these strategies which I’ve mentioned are just ways to get your foot in the door. There is still much work to be done to finally get yourself back into his life.
Well, here are some suggestions to keep you on track:
- Quit obsessing about the details.
I’ve tried planning it all out with clients and it often botched in execution.
It’s because we cannot predict what happens after a certain plan comes into play. There are just too many factors to consider that you cannot predict what will happen next the entire time.
So, the plan is to just dive in, be your most charming self, and enjoy the conversation!
- Don’t be lazy and carefully craft your message.
- Steer clear from general statements that do not allow the conversation to flow.
The best statements or questions are open-ended. These are the ones that coax the other person to elaborate more on his own terms.
This gives you more opportunities to explore more interesting and positive topics.
- Here’s a final tip: End the conversation first – always.
I know it’s hard to stop once the conversation flows and takes a more interesting and uplifting tone.
However, you must not forget your ultimate goal which is to keep the conversation going.
Wrap Up Why Doesn’t My Ex Reply To My Text
We’ve covered the three most common reasons why your ex-boyfriend is not replying to your text message and these are: it’s came at the wrong time, there’s too much emotion involved at the moment, and your message wasn’t that good enough to merit a response.
- Give him enough time to heal and regain his bearing before you renew contact.
- Add an element of interest or curiosity into your message.
- Leverage on the knight-in-shining-armor archetype.
- Always remember that your ultimate goal is to generate a fulfilling conversation with your ex.